If I was pettier I would fire back more often at the stupid shit you say If I was pettier I would go and change all your passwords to the streaming services that I always paid If I was pettier I would convince you to get matching tattoos, you'd go first, and I'd walk away But then I'd be a petty bitch And you'd still be ruining yet another damn day So I'll stay on my high, high horse (I won't tell your mother) My high, high horse (I won't sleep with your brother) My high, high horse (While I might sleep with your brother) (But probably not) If I was pettier I would upload that recording of you snoring so the world could suffer with me If I was pettier I might even put it on this album as a bonus track and keep all the royalties If I was pettier I would leave your name and your number for the Church of Scientology But then I'd be a petty bitch And you'd still be living in my mind rent free So I'll stay on my high, high horse (I won't tell your dad) My high, high horse (Tell him he's the best I ever had) My high, high horse (Twice) My momma always told me to never stoop so low But if I take the high road then no one ever know About the gaslighting, duplicity, the scheming, and toxicity But I'm not a petty person, so... So I'll stay on my high, high horse (I won't tell your boss) My high, high horse (Tell him that you've been embezzling) My high, high horse I won't write a song about you And all the petty shit I won't do 'Cause I'm on my high horse

Dear Karens who've never complained to the manager Dear Kyles who never once punched through drywall Dear Chads who never once shouted, "Jägerbombs!" at the bar Dear Lindas who never worked in HR Dear Stacys who've never had a hot mom I'm sorry that these people have co-opted your name I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent No, you're not to blame But now every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same Or worse: they sing at you! Sweet Caroline Ba ba ba Dear Delilahs who don't know what it's like in New York City 'cause you've never been here Dear Jessies who've never had a girl (Poor Jessie) Dear Felicias who don't like saying goodbye Dear Alexas who don't know what the weather's like outside Dear Victorias who can't keep a fucking secret I'm sorry that these assholes have co-opted your name I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent No, you're not to blame But not every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same Sincerely, a Caitlin But I've never been a platinum blonde horse girl I've never snapped other girls' bra straps in the seventh grade Oh no

For a city that never sleeps You're pretty quiet now You know this city will break you down Then build you back up in its image Or at least that's what a homeless man in a tutu told me once on St. Mark's Avenue He then started skipping away while operatically singing just the word, "Fart!" He was like, "Fart! Fart! Fart!" And he was actually pretty good Never thought I'd say it But I miss the dance crews and mariachi bands on the subway Never thought I'd say it But I miss the conductor announcements that no one ever understands on the subway Yeah, I miss those subway moments Like I once saw two beat poets enter into the same subway car but from like opposite sides And it was very clear that they were rivals and that they shouldn't be in the same subway car And then they had a rap battle on the subway Unplanned beat poet rap battle on the subway True story! And I still think about that rat that ran directly into my foot And then looked at me like, "Fuck you, I'm walking here!" Where did that rat have to go? Well, I guess we'll never know But I hope it was Paris and that he's a very successful chef at this point What I'm trying to say in my roundabout way is I miss you, New York (I miss you, New York) Oh, I miss you, New York (I miss you, New York) I miss you, New York But I'm still here And I'd rather be here than anywhere Except Times Square I'll never go there

It wasn't the cuffed jeans Or the clear iPhone case It wasn't the septum piercing Or you listening to Girl in Red It wasn't the peace signs, the tie-dye, the way you can't sit in a chair It wasn't that at all And I'm not trying to minimize you coming out to me (I'm so proud) But I knew you were bi when I Licked your pussy I licked your pussy good Whoa, I licked your pussy Oh yeah, I licked you pussy good It wasn't the bobbed haircut Or the oat milk lattes It wasn't the leather jackets Or you listening to the Neighborhood It wasn't the lemon bars, the Vans, the houseplants, or your obsession with Aubrey Plaza And I'm not trying to minimize you coming out to me (I'm so proud) But I knew you were bi when you Licked my pussy too You licked my pussy good Whoa, you licked my pussy Oh yeah, you licked my pussy good You didn't have to come out to us We kind of suspected (But we're so proud, we're so proud) You didn't have to come out to me 'Cause I made you cum already When I licked your

Why do I end All the sentences in All the emails I send With exclamation points? Why? I'm not your friend I just want you to do your work And I don't want you to think That I'm a Bitch

I was never very good at ending conversations I would always look for my way out before they got too awkward Like, "I'm gonna go get another drink," or, "I gotta go to the bathroom," But now we're all just stuck inside and constantly on Zoom Now I don't know how to end a conversation anymore I used to say, "I have to go," but I don't have anywhere to go And if I were to say that now, you'd know that I'm a liar It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that, well Life is rough for an extrovert with social anxiety I still want you to call me But I don't want to pick up the phone Don't want to pick up the phone I want you to leave me alone But please don't leave me alone Please leave me alone Please don't leave me alone Leave me alone Don't leave me alone!

User9369914 commented: "Jew" Every time I see this comment I think to myself, "Yeah, I am!" And every time I see this comment I think to myself, "You forgot the atheist part!" This is the Jewish atheist anthem Put your hands up for the Jewish atheist anthem It's only for a few of us Never learned to speak Hebrew But my bubbe taught me how to say, "Gay kaken ofn yahm!" That means, "Go take a shit in the ocean," in Yiddish And I never got a bat mitzvah (No, no) Never got that skrilla (Oh no) Still don't quite understand the history behind a lot of our holidays (Oh no) But I do control the media So it balances out This is the Jewish atheist anthem Put your hands up for the Jewish atheist anthem It's only for a few of us

I was poor before this whole coronavirus pandemic And now, I'm more poor 'Cause I can't tour or perform in person So, I implore you to help me out So, gimme your money Gimme your money Gimme a little bit of money Gimme your money Gimme your money Gimme a lot a bit of money Those wedding plans had to be postpone, that vacation has to wait All that extra cash must be piling up, so let me take some off your plate Sure, you lost your job, you're behind on rent But I've got my art to make And that's much more important So, gimme your money Gimme your money Gimme all of your money Gimme your money Gimme your money Gimme your money