Folly

by Caitlin Cook

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1.
03:49
2.
03:36
3.
04:02
4.
03:29
5.
6.
05:03
7.
03:15
8.
05:03
9.
03:31
10.
05:55
11.
04:22
12.
03:51

credits

released October 15, 2015

Lyrics, music, & vocals by Caitlin Cook

Recorded, mixed, & mastered by Steve Gamble

With Riccardo Gasparotto on guitar & Andrew Walker on percussion

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license

all rights reserved

about

Caitlin Cook Oxford, UK

Caitlin Cook is a singer-songwriter of all subjects, serious & silly. She is currently based out of Brooklyn.

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Track Name: Standstill
I took off too early
I jumped the starting gun
Now you're sitting there all surly
& I'm still on the run
& you're saying all the things
I always wanted to hear
But I'm suddenly tongue-tied
& I can't get the words out, my dear

I'm a pendulum
You're a loaded gun
We're at a standstill
Why can't I standstill?
Why land somewhere
& bite the bullet?
Can you understand?
My hand's on the trigger
But I can't pull it.

I stumble down narrow streets
Searching for cover
White lines & stop signs & arrows
Greet me like a lover
But I'm just trying to find my feet
My knees, my stomach, my tongue
I think I'm stuck on repeat
You son of a, son of a, son of a

I'm a pendulum
You're a loaded gun
We're at a standstill
Why can't I standstill?
Why land somewhere
& bite the bullet?
Can you understand?
My hand's on the trigger
But I can't pull it.

I'm coming clean, I'm coming off it
I'm coming & going
I'm coming down off my high horse
& throwing the game
'Cause if I lose you now
These canals will cleave me in two
So I choose you now
But I can I follow through?

I'm a pendulum
You're a loaded gun
We're at a standstill
Why can't I standstill?
Why land somewhere
& bite the bullet?
I'm a pendulum
You're a loaded gun
We're at a standstill
Why can't I standstill?
Why land somewhere
& bite the bullet?
Can you understand?
My hand's on the trigger
But I can't pull it.
Track Name: The Undertow
I am rushing around
Saying "like" in too many sentences
That might even sound intelligent
If I, like, didn't.

But hey,
I hail from Los Angeles
& as much as I've tried to distance myself from this
I guess it creeps in sometimes

Oh film me
Put me on camera
I am flimsy
Put me on camera
I hate the way
My body looks on camera
Shut it off

I am rushing around
Giving too many fucks in all the wrong places
Can't stay in one single space for that long
I get claustrophobic in a city

& I'll never go back to Hollywood
I know I probably should go home
But I don't even call it that
& I won't go home

Oh folly, I am a fool
Oh folly, following these rules
Some fool made up & another started following years ago
Oh folly, I am but hollow
Oh folly, Jonah, just swallow me whole
No need to cajole me into the undertow

I am rushing around
Playing pretend
Playing these characters
That I don't even entirely believe in myself

But hey, they're social constructions
They're called "being professional" or "being polite"
& I don't have the energy to fight it
I told you I gave my fucks in all the wrong places

& oh folly, I am a fool
Oh folly, following these rules
Some fool made up & another started following years ago
Oh folly, I am but hollow
Oh folly, Jonah, just swallow me whole
No need to cajole me into the undertow

Oh folly, I am a fool
Oh folly, following these rules
Some fool made up & another started following years ago
Oh folly, I am but hollow
Oh folly, Jonah, just swallow me whole
No need to cajole me into the undertow
Track Name: Close Calls
You say I should go it alone
You say I should go
But I'm busy dodging bullets
In this combat zone
& I can't, & you won't, & they say
I should've known better

I don't know if I have what it takes anymore
& it takes some getting used to
I'm getting used to the winter
& this cold, cold war
& you wore me out
& I wore your sweater

I don't know what I want
But I don't want this
I don't know what I need
But this is a mistake
& I will break before I bend
But I will make it in the end
It's only the beginning
I'm winning this war
If it's the last thing I do
The last thing I do

I'm close to falling off the wagon these nights
& I've had a couple close calls
You're calling all the shots
I am smaller than I thought
So I white knuckle it
& buckle down again

Hello to holding on too tight
& hello to holding out
You're outside in
I'm in the thick of it fight
Am I fucking it up?
Time to knuckle down again

I don't know what I want
But I don't want this
I don't know what I need
But this is a mistake
& I will break before I bend
But I will make it in the end
It's only the beginning
I'm winning this war
If it's the last thing I do
The last thing I do

I am so afraid of how
The decisions I making now
The directions I am taking now
Will navigate me to the edge

I am so afraid of how
The decisions I making now
The directions I am taking now
Will navigate me to the ledge

I don't know what I want
But I don't want this
I don't know what I need
But this is a mistake
& I will break before I bend
But I will make it in the end
It's only the beginning
I'm winning this war
If it's the last thing I -

I don't know what I want
But I don't want this
I don't know what I need
But this is a mistake
& I will break before I bend
But I will make it in the end
It's only the beginning
I'm winning this war
If it's the last thing I do
Track Name: Skin & Bones
I've altered the map
So many times
I don't know anymore
Where the "You Are Here" sign should go

& I stumble
& I falter
& I fault her
& I find her to blame when I fumble

This has nothing to do with you
I want nothing to do with you
It's come to nothing
I'm back where I started
& I am nothing but body parts, kid
Skin & bones
I am nothing but body parts, kid

I got dirt
Under my fingernails
I got hurt
Tangled in travelers' tales, in fishermen's yarn

& I couldn't move
For fear of tearing seams
So I froze
She was always so good with a sewing machine

This has nothing to do with you
I want nothing to do with you
It's come to nothing
I'm back where I started
& I am nothing but body parts, kid
Skin & bones
I am nothing but body parts

Nothing has changed all over again
& nothing has changed all over again
Nothing has changed all over again
Nothing has changed all over again

This has nothing to do with you
I want nothing to do with you
It's come to nothing
I'm back where I started
& I am nothing but body parts, kid
Skin & bones
I am nothing but body parts, kid
Track Name: Primrose Hill
They say keep soldiering on
But I'm standing still
Watching the dawn on Primrose Hill
The dawn on Primrose Hill

You say that it's dead & gone
But I go in for the kill
Our daggers are drawn on Primrose Hill
Drawn on Primrose Hill

Were you just something I was trying on, trying on?
& were you just something I was trying on & taking off?
& now you are lying on the floor like some discarded sweater
& I thought I knew more, I thought I knew better

I've got to get out of this town
Run out on the run of the mill
I will not drown down Primrose Hill
I will not drown down Primrose Hill

I will let go of the gown
Give up all the frocks & the frills
I'm throwing the crown down Primrose Hill
I'm throwing the crown down Primrose Hill

Were you just something I was trying on, trying on?
& were you just something I was trying on & taking off?
& now you are lying on the floor like some discarded sweater
& I thought I knew more, I thought I knew better

& maybe I'm a monster
At least that's what you claim
& maybe I'm beast
But baby, then you shouldn't tried to tame me
But hey, I'll take the blame
I was rabble-rouser & you were a rambling man
I'm sorry I have such a short attention span

Were you just something I was trying on, trying on?
& were you just something I was trying on & taking off?
& now you are lying on the floor like some discarded sweater
& I thought I knew more, I thought I knew better
I thought I knew more, I thought I knew better
I thought I knew more, I thought I knew better
Track Name: Orion
Most people wake up in the morning.
They do, that is, if they aren't already dead
They wake up, thinking, "Perhaps, today I will put on a dress."
Thinking, "Today, oh, today, is a dress kind of day.
Maybe he will notice me in my dress."
This is what they think, I imagine.

I woke up this morning, thinking, "Perhaps, I do not exist."
Thinking, "Today, oh, today, today probably isn't real.
& maybe he won't notice me in my nonexistence."
I walked outside, thinking, "This cannot be real."

These are the constant things
These are the things we know
We'll just keep doing as we do, going as we go
But Orion, I won't lie in my coffin
& think of things that might have been
That I might have been
Orion

It's the trees, I've decided.
The way they change colors
The way they say hello to me
Their leaves light and dark, soft and sharp
They say, "Hello, good morning, you probably don't exist.
But perhaps you do, perhaps you do
Perhaps you do, perhaps you do."

I wonder though
How did they grow?
& how are they here?
They're just goddamn eucalyptus
& maybe I have noticed them in their nonexistence
I walked outside, thinking, "This cannot be real."

These are the constant things
These are the things we know
We'll just keep doing as we do, going as we go
But Orion, I won't lie in my coffin
& think of things that might have been
That I might have been
Orion

Oh, but at night, it's the stars
Scattered like the clothes on my floor
A speckled blanket
Oh, if only i could reach high enough
I could pull it down and cover all of us
Oh, the closeness we would feel!
I desire closeness.

But do tell me:
Do you know the stories?
There are stories, I hear.
I do not know them very well
Orion; there's a story of Orion
& he says to me, "Oh Caitlin
You probably don't exist
But perhaps you do, perhaps you do
Perhaps you do, perhaps you do."

I wonder, though
How would he know?
& how is he here?
He's a fucking constellation
& maybe I have noticed him in my nonexistence
I walked outside, thinking, "This cannot be real."

These are the constant things
These are the things we know
We'll just keep doing as we do, going as we go
But Orion, I won't lie in my coffin
& think of things that might have been
That I might have been
Orion
Track Name: 10:13 AM
I have a picture of a clock.
I like it very much because it never moves
I hung it on my wall
So it is always 10:13 AM

10:13 is a good time
It is never too early to wake up
Anything before 10:13 could be too early to wake up

& you don’t have to wear pants yet
If you don’t want to
I suppose you never really have to wear pants
Not at all

The watch on my wrist is more difficult
It always changes
Sometimes it is 10:13 AM
& sometimes it's not

Sometimes it's 2:00 AM
& sometimes it's 6:12 & 57 seconds
In the morning, in the morning, in the morning

Sometimes it moves too fast
Sometimes it moves too slow
Sometimes it doesn't move
Not at all

But with you
With you
With you
Time stops
With you
Time stops

& if it were to move
It would not matter
those delicate gold hands could go around
As many times as they, many times as they wished

& we would be at home, or in the mountains
Or at the sea, or on the other side of the globe
Or in space, or dead!

& we wouldn't look at that glossy little face
Not even once
No, we wouldn't look at that glossy little face
No at all

'Cause with you
With you
With you
Time stops
With you
Time stops

With you
With you
With you
Time stops
With you
Time stops
Track Name: Drive
I pressed my palms up against the window
I let me patience get the best of me
I'll see you again, I just don't know when though
& I don't know what's left of the rest of me

I'm dressed for the summer but it's winter here
The snow last night stuck to my eyelashes
I don't mind, dear, if you interfere
You make me more than just car crashes

Just try
To drive
To drive me away from you
Go ahead
Just try
To drive to drive me away
Why don't you drive me home instead?

I climb aboard and become a silhouette
I'd climb a mountain just to get to you
You climb the walls and wonder why this hasn't killed you yet
You and your walls, am I such a threat to you?

I hug my knees as the train starts down the tracks
Back to my homestead, back to the hollow
Conductor, please, turn around & take me back
Back to America, I would follow you

Just try
To drive
To drive me away from you
Go ahead
Just try
To drive to drive me away
Why don't you drive me home instead?

Just try
To drive
To drive me away from you
Go ahead
Just try
To drive to drive me away
Why don't you drive me home instead?
Track Name: Full
Will you make it back in time for bedtime?
Read me Goodnight Moon
Caress my capillaries with your canines?

Will your molars make it home in time
To suck the marrow from my bones?
From my bones, from my bones

I have been wandering for many a year
I have pondering severe starvation
& just in case you were wondering
Yes, you are wonderful
& I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole
I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole

Where are you to whisper in my ear?
Tell me that we're just getting started
Tell me that fear is for the faint-hearted

Where are you to kiss me goodnight?
Bite 'til you break skin, bite 'til I bleed
Bite like you need, need me within your bones
Within your bones

I have been wandering for many a year
I have pondering severe starvation
& just in case you were wondering
Yes, you are wonderful
& I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole
I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole

Where are you? I am starving
I am marvelling carving out
Your clavicle casually

It's a bit alarming the things my teeth think about
They howling out, growling to
Devour you to intertwine our bones
Intertwine our bones

I have been wandering for many a year
I have pondering severe starvation
& just in case you were wondering
Yes, you are wonderful
& I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole
I am full of you
I have swallowed you whole
Track Name: Teeth
Stale, cigarette smoke-stained sweaters
Scattered on the floor
I am looking for more than that
Much more

I am searching
For something to sink my teeth into
& I'm starting to think
It isn't you

You, you shed your disguise
You, you're dead in the eyes
I once saw stars in
The world was our when
I misread December for Junes & Julies
I'm still in love with who I thought you were before
Is that still love? Well, I'm not sure anymore
& I'm not sure what I've fallen for
I'm not sure what I've fallen for

Half-hearted laughter
Half-started afterthoughts
After all that we fought for
I'm soldier on
But I'm all sold out of cheap shots

All I wanted
Was someone to love me
& there you were
Loving me
& that scared the hell outta me

But I'm shrugging it off my shoulders
& I'm struggling with these boulders
& walls that we've been building since the start

& I'm smuggling secrets
Into their chinks & fissures
I'm running with scissors
I'll cut you off & call it art

You, you shed your disguise
You, you're dead in the eyes
I once saw stars in
The world was our when
I misread December for Junes & Julies
I'm still in love with who I thought you were before
Is that still love? Well, I'm not sure anymore
& I'm not sure what I've fallen for
I'm not sure what I've fallen for
I'm not sure what I've fallen for

Maybe I, maybe I, maybe I, maybe
Maybe I would rather be happy than in
Love, love, love, love, love, love
Maybe I would rather be happy than in love

You, you shed your disguise
You, you're dead in the eyes
I once saw stars in
The world was our when
I misread December for Junes & Julies
I'm still in love with who I thought you were before
Is that still love? Well, I'm not sure anymore
& I'm not sure what I've fallen for
I'm not sure what I've fallen for
I'm not sure what I've fallen for
Track Name: Tall Tales
I've been telling lies
I've been telling tall tales
If it all fails
At least I'm left with this disguise
& I've been seeing dead men in my sleep
Those are my secrets to keep
But they'll keep me from the living

It's a telling sign
I'm relieved that you're leaving me
Baby, believe me
I wish it weren't the case
But let's turn & face the facts
The telling sign is telling me
That you're not mine
You won't be forgiven

You've been holding me back
You've been holding me down
You've been holding me still
I've been holding on to you tighter
& I've been holding it in
I've been holding my tongue
I've been holding out
But I'll keep holding on
I'm a fighter
& you can hold me to that
You can hold me to that

There's no telling when
It'll begin again
Get in again
Get in my head again or get out
I've been shouting
Yelling at the shadows
At those that linger still
& climb the walls until I call out to them

It's all telling off
Telling me it's not my fault
& you don't blame me
Then you go & turn around again
It's bound to be this way
I'll stay here on the sidewalk
Scrawling chalk
Until I'm all out & then

You've been holding me back
You've been holding me down
You've been holding me still
I've been holding on to you tighter
& I've been holding it in
I've been holding my tongue
I've been holding out
But I'll keep holding on
I'm a fighter
& you can hold me to that
You can hold me

& I will hold my head up
I will hold my head up
I will hold my head up high
I will hold my head up

You've been holding me back
You've been holding me down
You've been holding me still
I've been holding on to you tighter
& I've been holding it in
I've been holding my tongue
I've been holding out
But I'll keep holding on
I'm a fighter
& you can hold me to that
You can hold me to that
Track Name: Burton Way
If you
If you were still alive
I'd be a better person
I would

If you
Had survived another year
I couldn't be so cavalier
I couldn't

If you were here
If you were here

If you
Hadn't tested luck & lost
& I hadn't paid the cost
In the blink of an eye

If you
Hadn't walked down Burton Way
The 23rd would be
Just another day in July

But now, now, now

I have so much left to say to you
I do, I do

I stand
Within these marble colonnades
I'm still handling grenades
But I'm holding them akimbo

& I planned ahead
But now I'm stranded on the pavement
Every membrane that was brave
Went flying out the window

& I sleep upon
These streets & avenues
I didn't choose to be abused
By the brittle & the bitter

& I keep to myself
All boxed up on the shelf
I once was nearly golden
But now I'm only glitter

& now, now, now

I have so much left to say to you
I do, I do

Battered bones
& shattered glass
& splattered blood
& scattered ashes

Battered bones
& shattered glass
& splattered blood
& scattered ashes

Battered bones
& shattered glass
& splattered blood
& scattered ashes

Battered bones
& shattered glass
& splattered blood
& scattered ashes

I have so much left to say to you
I do, I do