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If he wears sunglasses at night
And he talks like he's hood, but he's white
Like he thinks he's thug enough to drop the n-word
But the only thing he really dropped was college and moved back suburbs
And back in with his parents
If he then goes to Europe on his daddy's dime
But gets hammered at the Hard Rock Cafe the whole time
And constantly brags about the bitches he's fucked
And calls it getting his "nut off" or getting his "dick wet" or "sucked"
Well, it's really quite apparent
That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
That's your wake up call, he's not for you at all
That's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag
If he yells "Jägerbombs!" when drinking
And starts a conversation by winking
And tells you he's in finance before he tells you his name
It's Chad, you didn't ask, but he'll tell you his salary all the same
I don't care about your portfolio, Chad!
If I was impressed by money, I wouldn't be trying to make a career in musical comedy
If, despite all his bragging about his bank account
He still tips the waitress a pathetic amount
Unless she's slamming: he only dates eights or higher
Yes, him in his Sperrys, salmon shorts, and nautical-themed attire
Though he's never sailed a boat
That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
If he's a pick-up-liner, doesn't care if you're a minor
Well, that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag
If he's emotionally dependent on college football
He knows the schedule, but heart but he still can't recall your birthday
How can you brush that aside?
He won't say I love you because he's too busy yelling, "Roll tide!"
He didn't even go to Alabama!
If he keeps the stickers on his flat-brimmed hats
And wears sleeveless shirts to show off his tribal tats
If he brags about how much he can lift at the gym
And swears every gay guy he meets is totally trying to fuck him
Well, you've gotta acknowledge
That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
Could you get any dumber? I mean, he drives a fucking hummer
And that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag
If you find yourself offended by this little song
It's because you've been a douchebag yourself all along
Then again, I did just spend the past three minutes
Shitting on a bunch of strangers based on stereotypes
For a whole other group of strangers for my own validation
So, if you really think about it
That's a red, red flag
That's a sign of a douchebag
So, keep your eyes peeled when you playing the field
And look out for the signs, for the signs, for the signs of a douchebag
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It's raining, it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He bumped his head
When he went to bed
And he didn't wake up in the morning
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Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle, and all
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I hate you
You hate me
Let's all go and kill Barney
With a baseball bat and a 4x4
No more purple dinosaur
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If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops
Then obesity would be an even bigger epidemic
300K Americans a year eat themselves dead
So, throw away your lollipops, and suck a dick instead
Or if you're into it, then go on and lick a clit
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
If all the raindrops were whiskey and tequila shots
Then go pack up your shit, we're moving to Seattle
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9. |
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Maybe emojis are just us regressing back to hieroglyphics
The entire human race is all a bunch of homos if we're speaking scientifically
And being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever
And whenever a pregnant woman swims, she's a human submarine
Know what I mean?
If you call someone a two-dollar whore, it's meaner than before because of inflation
And if gluttony's a sin, then why is the Bible belt the fattest part of the American nation?
And if you'd never seen a chicken, but you ordered chicken fingers
You'd think that chickens were big and scary
And if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, then Mary had a little lamb
You understand?
Hands are naked sock puppets, coffee is bean soup, bunk beds are people shelves
And someone should open an abortion clinic and call it Don't Kid Yourselves
And someone should start a liquor company and call it Responsibly
And a group of squid should be called a squad
And bisexual women should be called more-or-less-bians
Does that make sense?
It's pretty weird that we can unintentionally make a person but not dessert
And it's pretty weird that people will eat each others' assholes but not eat food that fell in the dirt
And it's pretty weird that people have birthday sex
Which is basically having sex to celebrate your parents having sex
I guess people are just plain weird
I mean we invented selfie sticks and snuggies and fidget spinners
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When we met, that's when I knew
I knew I'd never met no one like you before
You came out of the blue, quite literally
Your head protruding from the blue waters
I know that they call you a monster
They call you the Loch Ness Monster
But still my love for you grows stronger
Stay a little longer
Oh no, where have you gone?
Where have you gone to?
And left me no photographs to hold on to?
But I'll always remember you
You've got hands like a snake
You've got feet like a shark
They tell me that I made a mistake
But you are, you are, you are the one for me
Hiking around Yellowstone
I thought I'd never fall again, and I'd end up alone
But then I saw the forest for the trees
Quite suddenly, your silhouette emerging from the out of the woods
I know that they call you a hoax
The Big Foot hoax
But they don't know I love the most
Come a little closer
Oh no, where have you gone?
Where have you gone to?
And left me no photographs to hold on to?
But I'll always remember you
You've got scales like a bear
You've got feathers like a frog
Wherever we go, they all stare
But you are, you are, you are the one for me
My hands upon the Western Wall
This time I was so sure I'd never fall again
But then I felt your presence, heard your voice
Quite perfectly, my mother wanted me to marry a nice Jewish boy
I know that they call you their God
Well, the son of God
But somehow you're also still God
I don't get it
Where have you gone, why did you leave?
Left me with so many crazy people misinterpreting what you believe
So I'm just waiting for the rapture
The second coming, the next chapter
We'll have our happy ever after
'Cause you are, you are, you are the one for me
Never thought I'd end
A song like this, my friends
But I love Jesus
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Listen up 'cause here's a story
About a little guy that lives in a blue world
And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue
Like him, inside and outside
Blue his house with a blue little window
And a blue Corvette
And everything is blue for him
And himself and everybody around
'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
I have a blue house with a blue window
Blue is the color of all that I wear
Blue are the streets and all the trees are too
I have a girlfriend and she is so blue
Blue are the people here that walk around
Blue like my Corvette, it's in and outside
Blue are the words I say and what I think
Blue are the feelings that live inside me
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
I'm blue, if I was green I would die
If I was green, I would die
If I was green, I would die
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa
Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa
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