We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.

Zinger​-​Songwriter

by Caitlin Cook

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      $6 USD  or more

     

1.
2.
If he wears sunglasses at night And he talks like he's hood, but he's white Like he thinks he's thug enough to drop the n-word But the only thing he really dropped was college and moved back suburbs And back in with his parents If he then goes to Europe on his daddy's dime But gets hammered at the Hard Rock Cafe the whole time And constantly brags about the bitches he's fucked And calls it getting his "nut off" or getting his "dick wet" or "sucked" Well, it's really quite apparent That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag That's your wake up call, he's not for you at all That's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If he yells "Jägerbombs!" when drinking And starts a conversation by winking And tells you he's in finance before he tells you his name It's Chad, you didn't ask, but he'll tell you his salary all the same I don't care about your portfolio, Chad! If I was impressed by money, I wouldn't be trying to make a career in musical comedy If, despite all his bragging about his bank account He still tips the waitress a pathetic amount Unless she's slamming: he only dates eights or higher Yes, him in his Sperrys, salmon shorts, and nautical-themed attire Though he's never sailed a boat That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag If he's a pick-up-liner, doesn't care if you're a minor Well, that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If he's emotionally dependent on college football He knows the schedule, but heart but he still can't recall your birthday How can you brush that aside? He won't say I love you because he's too busy yelling, "Roll tide!" He didn't even go to Alabama! If he keeps the stickers on his flat-brimmed hats And wears sleeveless shirts to show off his tribal tats If he brags about how much he can lift at the gym And swears every gay guy he meets is totally trying to fuck him Well, you've gotta acknowledge That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag Could you get any dumber? I mean, he drives a fucking hummer And that's a sign, that's a sign, that's a sign of a douchebag If you find yourself offended by this little song It's because you've been a douchebag yourself all along Then again, I did just spend the past three minutes Shitting on a bunch of strangers based on stereotypes For a whole other group of strangers for my own validation So, if you really think about it That's a red, red flag That's a sign of a douchebag So, keep your eyes peeled when you playing the field And look out for the signs, for the signs, for the signs of a douchebag
3.
4.
5.
It's raining, it's pouring The old man is snoring He bumped his head When he went to bed And he didn't wake up in the morning
6.
Rock-a-bye baby on the treetop When the wind blows, the cradle will rock When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall And down will come baby, cradle, and all
7.
I hate you You hate me Let's all go and kill Barney With a baseball bat and a 4x4 No more purple dinosaur
8.
If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops Then obesity would be an even bigger epidemic 300K Americans a year eat themselves dead So, throw away your lollipops, and suck a dick instead Or if you're into it, then go on and lick a clit Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah If all the raindrops were whiskey and tequila shots Then go pack up your shit, we're moving to Seattle
9.
10.
Maybe emojis are just us regressing back to hieroglyphics The entire human race is all a bunch of homos if we're speaking scientifically And being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever And whenever a pregnant woman swims, she's a human submarine Know what I mean? If you call someone a two-dollar whore, it's meaner than before because of inflation And if gluttony's a sin, then why is the Bible belt the fattest part of the American nation? And if you'd never seen a chicken, but you ordered chicken fingers You'd think that chickens were big and scary And if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, then Mary had a little lamb You understand? Hands are naked sock puppets, coffee is bean soup, bunk beds are people shelves And someone should open an abortion clinic and call it Don't Kid Yourselves And someone should start a liquor company and call it Responsibly And a group of squid should be called a squad And bisexual women should be called more-or-less-bians Does that make sense? It's pretty weird that we can unintentionally make a person but not dessert And it's pretty weird that people will eat each others' assholes but not eat food that fell in the dirt And it's pretty weird that people have birthday sex Which is basically having sex to celebrate your parents having sex I guess people are just plain weird I mean we invented selfie sticks and snuggies and fidget spinners
11.
When we met, that's when I knew I knew I'd never met no one like you before You came out of the blue, quite literally Your head protruding from the blue waters I know that they call you a monster They call you the Loch Ness Monster But still my love for you grows stronger Stay a little longer Oh no, where have you gone? Where have you gone to? And left me no photographs to hold on to? But I'll always remember you You've got hands like a snake You've got feet like a shark They tell me that I made a mistake But you are, you are, you are the one for me Hiking around Yellowstone I thought I'd never fall again, and I'd end up alone But then I saw the forest for the trees Quite suddenly, your silhouette emerging from the out of the woods I know that they call you a hoax The Big Foot hoax But they don't know I love the most Come a little closer Oh no, where have you gone? Where have you gone to? And left me no photographs to hold on to? But I'll always remember you You've got scales like a bear You've got feathers like a frog Wherever we go, they all stare But you are, you are, you are the one for me My hands upon the Western Wall This time I was so sure I'd never fall again But then I felt your presence, heard your voice Quite perfectly, my mother wanted me to marry a nice Jewish boy I know that they call you their God Well, the son of God But somehow you're also still God I don't get it Where have you gone, why did you leave? Left me with so many crazy people misinterpreting what you believe So I'm just waiting for the rapture The second coming, the next chapter We'll have our happy ever after 'Cause you are, you are, you are the one for me Never thought I'd end A song like this, my friends But I love Jesus
12.
Listen up 'cause here's a story About a little guy that lives in a blue world And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue Like him, inside and outside Blue his house with a blue little window And a blue Corvette And everything is blue for him And himself and everybody around 'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa I have a blue house with a blue window Blue is the color of all that I wear Blue are the streets and all the trees are too I have a girlfriend and she is so blue Blue are the people here that walk around Blue like my Corvette, it's in and outside Blue are the words I say and what I think Blue are the feelings that live inside me I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa I'm blue, if I was green I would die If I was green, I would die If I was green, I would die I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa

credits

released July 5, 2019

Written and performed by Caitlin Cook, mixed and mastered by Katie Buchanan. Special thanks to all the venues that allowed me to record.

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Caitlin Cook Brooklyn, New York

Caitlin Cook is a LA-born, NYC-based comedian. Not your conventional stand-up, Caitlin combines witty one-liners and scintillating storytelling with hilariously irreverent musical comedy and projected visuals. She is the co-host of the new hit podcast 5 Words on the All Things Comedy network. She is currently touring her new hour Death Wish at top fringes and festivals around the world. ... more

contact / help

Contact Caitlin Cook

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account